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college, holy spirit, uncertainty

"Who am I now?"

This post is for all the parents and students who are in the midst and mire of making college decisions.  We are with you my friends.  Our second daughter is nearing the end of her GAP year (a year off between HS and college for travel and work, a not uncommon custom we fell in love with in Australia).  We are now visiting schools and trying to “help” her make this decision.  Since there is entirely too much pressure on “what comes next” after high school I am of course giving the appearance of being a nervous wreck.  Thankfully, my process of connecting to Holy Spirit and extending love to my thoughts  is for these occasions pretty much the ONLY thing to do.  In my late night plea before visiting Columbia College of Art in Chicago to “please tell me what college is even FOR” my Holy Friend answered the fears and concerns of my heart:

“I extend awe to this thought.”

“Precious One,

Awe is the moment you take in pure quietness. 

The step into the emptiness of uncertainty–certain of Love’s glorious presence.  You have long resisted education as it seems to indicate you don’t know something.  Education is a process of revealing. A process of remembering the joy which is already here.  College is not an answer to “What do I do now?”

College is another step in learning in remembering “Who am I now?”

Fear not this step.  Trust your daughter and her heart.  Let her ask questions and be aware of what she is thinking herself.  She is opening to her own heart.  Fear not her heart.

Fear not her knowing.

Fear not her not knowing.

Let you guidance GUIDE you in all things.

I love you.

Did you know that?

I love you with the hearttruth of the infinite power of love.

Amen & Selah”

(This post celebrates the one year anniversary of the opening of the Teal Family Pavillion on 10-10-10!)

It is my great joy to be a touring docent at the Crocker Art Museum.

My heart is listening.

Last week we had a large group of fifth graders and we discovered they were quite art savvy, having even met two of our well-known artists in the permanent collection.  Their teacher wanted very specific works included in the tour.  I immediately sent myself into a tiz about being quite sure I was inadequate to the task of touring such a knowledgable group.  Of course I took this to Holy Spirit for the comfort of sanity and peace.

This is the first gift:  “I extend mySelf to this thought.”

“Holy Precious Child,

You are the light in which they will see–let yourself be completely your Self in this tour.  Worry not about the other docent, fear not the teacher’s knowledge.  Give the children an EXPERIENCE of the art, not just talking.”

This is the tour introduction peace gave me:

"Velazquez Family" by Bernice Bing

“Everything Speaks to us–our family, the sun, the Museum, this painting.  We speak to all things in our heart though often not out loud.  Art allows us a moment to pause and hear the conversation.  Would  you be willing to set aside all you know about art for a moment and let art tell you something today?

The great thing about museums is that they are dedicated to creating spaces which allow us the luxury of communing and communicating with all that surrounds us, through art.

You may not be able to articulate your response but if you take the time, you can read your body like a book and it will help you realize your own feelings.

The Museum allows us time to do this.  The artist has given so much to his work:  time, energy,heart, know-how, skill, paint, canvas.  We give the willingness to stop our busy lives and allow motion to pause and take in his gift.”

The joy and confidence I received was overflowing and the tour was completely delicious.  The very best part of all was the moment I first spied the children wearing  bright red sweatshirts with HOLY SPIRIT written on them.  They were, in fact, from Holy Spirit School.  The reminder of the Holy Spirit being in every child, as emblazoned on their shirt just made me laugh.  Who says Holiness isn’t Hilarious?

“The Sanctuary”

Welcome!

My quiet time yielded treasure this morning.  Holy Spirit said:

“Dearest One, you need an image of success that you may return to again and again when the doubts of unworthiness sneak and creep  upon your awareness.”

This is the image given:

A Cathedral.

I have come into the sanctuary in a Chanel suit, heels clicking on the ancient stone tiles.  I am relieved to be in the quiet for a moment.  I can sit my bag down on one of the pews at the back.  I will just sit here and catch my breath.

What is going on up front:  What IS the commotion?!  I leave my bag and step out of my shoes as to not add to the apparent fray at the altar….

I walk stealthily down a side aisle to get closer to the action.

OMG!!!  It is Jesus!!!!

Welcoming ME–waiting for ME–delighted to see ME–glorying in MY presence!

I am at once overwhelmed and relieved of all fear and trepidation.  I AM HOME!  The welcome and joy I receive is indescribable.  This is the phrase that instantly comes to mind:

“Making Love with Jesus”

I have my first true glimpse of what is actually happening when we extend love.  We are truly co-creating with Love and birthing JOY.  Amen and selah.

The Australian Wallabies (http://www.foxsports.com.au/rugby/rugby-world-cup-2011) are in the throes of the Rugby World Cup.  Last weekend an announcer described them as playing with “intensity, brutality, speed and precision”.  My husband brightened and said ‘These are four of my favorite qualities!”  Thus began four day’s conversation, both silent and audible on what in the world did he mean?

My first thought was “Well, that explains a lot.”  My eyes opened as I remembered the times my feelings had been wounded by these qualities of intensity (loud noises), brutality (ignoring the call to dinner), speed (asking a question and then zooming off even before the answer was given) and precision (the unerring ability to stop a conversation in its tracks with a single, well placed question).  I noticed firstly, that I am pretty darned sensitive, as any member of my family will tell you.  Secondly, I noticed that none of the Wallabies seemed the least bit hurt at this description, in fact they swelled with pride, or as true Aussies, simply shrugged and said “Too right.” under their breath.  Why is this?

Because rugby is a GAME!  All the players are playing a game, an intense, brutal, lightening fast, precise game.  It is war without the political fallout.  Come to think of it Australians even think of war as a game, no wonder they are good at it.  Did I mention my husband is Australian?

 What if I thought of these qualities, when spotted or even received as just part of a game? The game of loving unconditionally.  What if, instead of getting my knickers in a twist when my husband didn’t come to dinner when the announcement was made I just extended love to myself and poured my own glass of wine and used the wait to relax instead of fume?  What if, instead of seeing the speed with which a conversation is stopped as a slap in the face I saw it as a loving attempt for as much conversation as could be tolerated; asking  a question as a way of acknowledging my presence and my enjoyment of conversation without the full committment of time?  What if I could shout WOO HOO!! and join in with a loud noise instead of feeling overwhelmed?

What if I could extend love to anything that came my way and if I didn’t, just shrug and say “Too right”?  Now that is a game I can play with intensity, brutality, speed and precision.

SHOULD: a warning sign

This morning I woke feeling the hot, stale breath of SHOULD on the back of my neck.  Instead of my delicious Quiet Time all I could think of was an endless list of tasks that NEEDED DOING DAMN IT!  I “should” prepare for my tour; I “should” empty the dishwasher; I “should” lose weight; get my visa organized, send flowers to Jenny, call Lori, save money…and spend less.  Yuck!  I was drowning in S*H*O*U*L*D.

Instead of continuing this should-fight I asked the book (Extending Love to Your Thoughts) and received this gem:

“I extend stillness to this thought”

The fleeing energy of SHOULD was very present and this poem transported me into the stillness:

“Alas, One Heart”

Did you hear

the one

about

the soldier

who married

the nun?

He warred for sport,

She talked to God for fun.

Together they

explored the far reaches

of one another’s universes

and found

an odd truth.

They could only find

their one Heart

when they abandoned

their sport and fun

and simply

were together

as

One.

The should was calmer now, and the desire to flee was gone but still I was distracted by the things I “should” be doing.  I chose another:

“I extend strength to this thought”

Here is the poem that turned the corner:

“Oh Should!!”

Hello dear Should

stop crying

today you will know your own strength!

Sit quietly

and ask yourself

what do “I” truly want?

A complete “to do” list?

Recognition of memory?

A day off?

Saving

Happiness

Or

Underestimating

Love’s

Doing

Oh Should!

I love to hear you laugh!

This is your secret weapon:

laugh and laugh and LAUGH!

This IS your true nature:

Joyful expression of loving.

Darling Should!

You were sent to remind ME

to laugh.

Thank you dear friend

let us remember always

where Should is

laughter must be too.

 

And the last morsel that iced the cake:

“I extend openness to this thought”

This gave me an instant visual of SHOULD written on a giant piece of paper which immediately dissolved into hundreds of sheets and each smaller square was turning, as if in a choreographed ballet, into other images:

a Monet garden; a cup of tea;  a yellow school bus

The pressing-ness of should was gone, only chills and laughter and light remained.

I am as God created me!

Ahhhhhh, the delicious relief of wholeness.

Loving the fog

Yesterday, I had the great joy of facing one of my deepest, most long-standing (more like crouching in the bushes with a machete) fears.  Yippee!  Not.  My 18-year-old daughter wanted to drive to San Francisco (2 hr) and spend the night with a friend going to San Francisco State.  This is not an unreasonable request.  The child in question is no longer a child, she is smart, capable and a good driver.  My fear on the other hand is insane, incapable and a lousy driver careening through toll booths without paying, passing without indicating and generally begging for a ticket.  As my new practice is extending love when thoughts are present blocking the light of who I really am I asked “what flavor of love can I extend to this?”; that I added “ridiculous suggestion” only points to who was driving at the time.

Here is what I heard:  “I extend ACCEPTANCE to this thought.”  So I asked again:  “Um, what other flavor of love could I extend to this thought?”  “ACCEPTANCE” came again.  And again and again.  Yes, I asked four times, unwilling as I was to accept.  It appeared acceptance was my only choice and so I did.  Did I mention the request was whispered in my ear as said daughter thoughtfully came into our bedroom to let us know she was home?  The precise moment my sleeplessness began.

The next morning in quiet I asked again (I know, acceptance is not my strong suit) and this is the beautiful message I received from Holy Spirit:

(The mention of bridges is in reference to the Oakland Bay bridge, a double-decker bridge which collapsed during an earthquake a number of years ago and is still where my own fear overtakes me when I drive across.)

“Holy Precious Child,

Greetings and blessings my dear Child.  We are so happy you have allowed yourself to sit quietly and listen to your heart loving you.  That is all you needed: time to hear and feel this EVERPRESENCE of LOVE.  You need not worry about [x] and her adventure, not because it will go perfectly and without any hitches (although it will) but because I AM with her always.  She is seeking to hear her own heart and she will only be able to do this if you gently stand back in gratitude and know this is happening.

This is what you most want:  her to be confident in her desires and choices, firm in the trusting of her own Voice.  She will learn to ask for assistance or help when needed.  let this beautiful lesson unfold for her.

Fear not the traffic:  extend peace.

Fear not the bridges:  extend clarity.

Fear not getting lost:  extend surefootedness.

Fear not the cost:  extend eternity.

Precious One, You are my love angel, be still and know that you are God.

Amen. Amen & Selah.”

My Holiness, my Self

After a blow up with a loved one I felt unsure of any possibility or peace, just about all I could muster in asking the Holy Spirit for help was “WTF mate???!”  This answer was the relief I was seeking:

“Precious One,

Be still a moment and go home. Fear not the salvation of this relationship.  You are integrating holiness into every relationship.  Each step brings you closer to seeing it is but a relationship to your Self you are after–you can organize, rearrange, redecorate or recalibrate every thought you have; you can arrange [thoughts] in pairs, groups or singley but you will still have to see that what is under-girding every single thought is Love.

Love is whole

complete

powerful

enriching

enlightening

truthful

extending

creating.

Let not this dispute amoungst a pairing of thoughts distract you from the truth.

Love is working out everything for the greatest, kindest, most complete benefit for all and for each thought individually.

Do not despair, I say to you:  Be Glad in your peace–Be Glad in your witness–Be Glad in your willingness– All IS WELL.”

In silence

do I learn

the eloquence

of grace

the pure acceptance

and completeness

of listening

in love

with all that is

speaking

even listening

with delight

to my own

wordlessness

When I asked HS to confirm (or not) my desire to participate in the 6 mo. program of Hearing the Voice for God, this is what I heard:

“I am the divine call you are listening to.

You are ready to truly step into your role as Love Provider, Mirth Maker and Jelly Bean Consultant. 

This is not a hard decision, it is easy and soft–a breath of air, the next step, a note, a color, a word you already love.

Be not afraid to learn.

learning is the essence of teaching and this is your opportunity to experience both. 

These are your peeps.

They already love you.

You already love them.

There is no reason to deny yourself any longer.

You get to decide the color of your love but your loving and your belovedness are already a sure thing.  That cannot be changed; it never could be changed.

This is the fun part, you can ask me anything: financial questions, medical questions, activities issues, marital issues, friendship issue, dog issues.

There is nothing that needs to be left out of our relationship.

This program is run with love by your brother and sister in Christ.

They have waited a long time to commit in this way.

Together you will make history.

All who come on this call will be there as if by appointment.

There is no worrying there won’t be enough people.

Only one is needed, you own Self.

All else will be added to you.”

I added:  I am feeling relaxed.

HS cont: 

“That’s perfect.

Willingness is very relaxing.

the receiver and the giver are the same Presence.

You can access Me either way.

It matters not who is the teacher and who is the student.

Both come in willingness.

Both come in Love.

Both come in Openness.

Both come.

BOTH COME.

That is the point.  BOTH COME.

Lawd Hallelujah!”

Last night was the “Preview Call” to the “Hearing the Voice for God” (www.hearingthevoiceforgod.com) Certification Program.  This is essentially a six month program in the holy relationship with Holy Spirit.  Since we already ARE love and simply tend to block the experience of being aware of it this program will be a bit like when Michael at 3in1 come to cleanse my computer of gunk so it runs fast, clean and faithful.  This is my desire, that my experience of life runs fast and clean and faithful.

I will be chronicling my experience both of the program and the actual hearing the voice for God.  I know, that second bit sounds goofy, but so what ?   Isn’t that REALLY what we all want?  To actually hear the Voice of God.  Of course it is no surprize the Voice for God IS the Voice for Love.  So come back again and again to my blog to hear and see what this looks like, this willingness to hear God in my heart.  Whoa, I guess Jesus was right (go figure)  the Kingdom of God really is within.